A Tough Good-Bye

I have dreaded writing this post...probably for the fear that I will cry (again).  Why write it, you might ask.  I have lots of reasons, but it all sums up to this is my blog and I want to remember this later on down the road.  Saturday was a hard, hard, HARD day.  At one point, I was afraid the tears wouldn't stop falling from my eyes.  I don't know how to explain it.  It felt like my heart was breaking.  Maybe not breaking but that someone was removing part of my heart and I was to live without the other half as if it was no big deal.  It started with Michael deciding he was leaving early for Dallas.  Those of you who know me, know I like to be in charge (things go my way, I usually know what to expect, I have it all planned out in my head- we're good).  Let the flood gates begin.  I begged him to stay, to not drive and take his flight Sunday morning.  I tried to persuade him with alternate plans of action...nothing would work.  I cried...a lot.  And I was just overall so negative.  It's hard being positive when you're that upset, so I allowed myself to grieve.  

It's not the 7 weeks that is bugging me.  It's the fact that we will not live together until I move to Chicago come April.  I feel like I took/take SO much for granted.  I'm almost mad at myself.  I rarely stopped to think how lucky I had it...even when I was frustrated M didn't put his dishes in the dishwasher, left his clothes on that bathroom floor, made too much noise at 5 am while he got ready for work and I was sleeping, or didn't help with the huge mound of the week's laundry.  Now, I would gladly do a load of his clothes, if only it meant he was here with me.  I secretly missed his banging around this morning when I woke up at 6:30 am with a text from him.  I wouldn't even complain if he slammed his dresser drawers, if only it meant he was here with me.  Oi.

Once I got over the slight depression and the tears subsided (this morning...I literally cried for 2 days), I found the positives.  Distance is where we started.  We would not be where we are today without our long distance days.  So, we've got this.  We dated for a year long distance and the longest we ever went without seeing each other was 2 whole months.  That sucked.  But that's not going to happen now.  He isn't going to war, I get to talk to him every day and hopefully video gchat him.  He will get to see my growing belly.  I get to see him in 25 days (most likely) and maybe even TWO weekends in a row (could I be that lucky?)!  That will be the halfway mark in this 7 week training.  Once he's in Chicago, I will see him at least once a month...if not, every other weekend.  Mind you, he will probably be in Chicago come December.  This may mean I am solo for our first Christmas as a married couple (sadly, our first of many most likely), but I am hoping I am with him to ring in a HUGE New Year for us.  This also means I will be 7 months pregnant.  Super exciting, but also rough to do solo.  Then I flip my head around and think about all the single moms that go through this solo...BUT I've had M for the first half (which again is lucky), so I know how grand life is prego when he's around :-)  It's a double edged sword!  I remember the days when we'd talk on the phone so much our phone bills were outrageous...ha ha ha.  Oh those were the days...

The evening and night hours are the worst.  I've never been one to sleep good alone.  Pretty much starting at birth since I was colicky and wouldn't sleep without motion.  (ie. on my mom or dad's chest)  Then I had night terrors and with that I was terrified of nighttime/sleep.  SO...I'm going to have a ritual that seems to help me sleep.  Say goodnight to hubs, get myself ready for bed, then read...until I can't focus on the words or keep my eyes open.  Books tend to get my mind somewhere else...therefore, not focusing on the weird noises I hear or the empty spot next to me in our king sized bed.  It doesn't help with a time change.  Although I'm lucky here again, that will be much better soon!  The time change sucks...it's hard to reach family and friends b/c the time is so different..even an hour is tough.  It's crazy.  

One awesome thing...and another reason Saturday, October 23rd was monumental.  Michael felt that baby kick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!  I was SO SO SO excited.  It melted my heart, therefore, I cried.  But it was an awesome moment.  There were two fairly good kicks.  His face lit up and he smiled so big...even his eyes were grinning.  Not to sound lame.  Needless to say, baby B is pretty active.  At some times more than others...and it's not usually a time of day, interesting enough.  I find myself getting lonely, so I just jiggle my belly and wait to feel the movement.  It's really pretty spectacular.  One of the best/most amazing things about pregnancy.  Again, I'm lucky.    

I know there will be ups and downs the next few months...but I also have seen one thing ever so clearly.  Michael is the only guy I've loved.  It's as true as it comes.  It's mind boggling, out of this world fantastically overwhelming.  I cannot imagine me, my life, or my family without him.  He is beyond the most perfect man for me.  I love him.  More than he can even fathom.  He's honestly my best friend, completing me in all aspects and bringing out the best in me.  I am thankful I found him and have him for the rest of my life.  I know it's sometimes annoying to read about things like this, but I'm struggling at finding the right words!  I guess there really aren't any.  

Here's to a much better day today...thank God.  The tear ducts must be dry and all 3 of us are OK with that.  Glad I got past the first hump...the first week solo will be next followed by the first full weekend.  Before we know it, I will be in TX, which gives me so many things to look forward to (immediate family, extended family, and an early baby shower).  25 and counting down...